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Occasions · Culture · Manners in Japan

Weddings and funerals

Japan has set customs for money gifts and dress at weddings and funerals. The details vary by region and family, but the basics are consistent: new bills in a tight-knot envelope for weddings, a condolence envelope for funerals, and formal clothing for both.

Wedding gift
Cash, about ¥30,000 for a friend or coworker
Funeral gift
Kōden, often ¥3,000–¥10,000
Numbers
Avoid 4 and 9

Do

  • Reply to a wedding invitation by the deadline, and arrive on time.
  • Put crisp new bills in a wedding envelope (shūgi-bukuro) with your name on it, and hand it over at the reception desk.
  • Wear formal clothes: a dark suit and white tie at weddings, and black formal wear at funerals.
  • Offer condolences quietly, with a phrase such as "goshūshō-sama desu".

Avoid

  • Do not give amounts containing four or nine.
  • Do not wear white to a wedding. It is the bride's colour.
  • Do not wear flashy jewellery or a double strand of pearls at a funeral.
  • Do not use words that suggest repetition, such as "again" or "continue", at a funeral.

Weddings

Guests reply to the invitation (shōtaijō) by the deadline and bring a money gift (goshūgi) instead of a present. It goes in a special envelope with a red-and-white or gold-and-silver cord tied in a tight knot (musubi-kiri), as the marriage should not be undone, with the guest's name on the front. The money inside is new, crisp bills, which signal that you prepared for the occasion.

About ¥30,000 is typical for a friend or coworker, with more for close family and less for younger guests. Odd numbers are traditionally preferred, though ¥20,000 is accepted today. Hand the envelope over with both hands at the reception desk, often in a small cloth wrapper. Dress smartly, and avoid white.

Funerals and wakes

People pay their respects at a wake (otsuya) or the funeral (sōgi), and bring a condolence gift (kōden) in a black-and-white or silver envelope. Stationery shops and convenience stores sell the right one, and the wording printed on the front depends on the religion, so staff can help you choose. Tradition prefers older or slightly creased bills, so as not to suggest that you expected the death.

The amount is often ¥3,000 to ¥10,000 for colleagues and friends, and more for relatives. Dress in black, with a black tie for men and plain black clothes for women, and keep jewellery to a minimum. At a Buddhist funeral, you may be asked to offer incense: take a pinch, lift it to your forehead and drop it on the charcoal, and follow the people before you.

Lucky and unlucky numbers and words

Four (shi) sounds like death and nine (ku) like suffering, so amounts and sets with them are avoided. At funerals, avoid words that suggest repetition, such as "again" and "continue", as they imply more deaths. At weddings, avoid words for ending and separation.

Other celebrations

Other life events have their own gifts and envelopes: births, the shichi-go-san festival for children aged three, five and seven, coming of age at 20, graduations and longevity birthdays. These use a bow-knot cord for events that can be repeated.

Good to know

  • Convenience stores and stationery shops sell the correct envelopes, usually with a guide on the back.
  • If you are invited as a foreigner, ask a Japanese friend or the host what is appropriate. People are happy to help.
  • Keep your phone off or on silent during ceremonies.
  • If unsure about dress, choose smart and bright for weddings, but not white, and plain and dark for funerals.

Words you will hear

ご祝儀 goshūgi
wedding money gift
結婚式 kekkonshiki
wedding
香典 kōden
funeral condolence money
お通夜 otsuya
wake
葬儀 sōgi
funeral
水引 mizuhiki
decorative cord on envelopes
忌み言葉 imikotoba
words to avoid on certain occasions

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See also

Next guide Business etiquette

General practice. Amounts and wording vary by region, religion and family, so check with the host or a local. Customs vary by region, place and family, and they change over time. When in doubt, follow the signs, watch what others do, or ask politely. Being polite and trying matters more than getting every detail right.